sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
my liver is dry heaving
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
