question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
