you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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