Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
