I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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