Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
