Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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