And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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