I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
