shes about as inviting as chlamydia
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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