Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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