so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
