There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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