I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
