I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
