absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Randomize
