i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
