he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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