He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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