Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
