she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize
