I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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