I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
