I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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