now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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