Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
