The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
