just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
