I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
