Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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