I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
