Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
