I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
