totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
