I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize