I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
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