How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
