i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Ketchup is God's man juice
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
