Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
