when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
