Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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