the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Randomize
