i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
