I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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