that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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