Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
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