I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
