its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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