Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Randomize