you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
