To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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