Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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