WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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