i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
