Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize
